Summer comes to an end and the strange feeling begins again

Posted: September 5, 2011 in Uncategorized

This is the unofficial end to summer here in the US. Labor Day. Happy Labor Day to you all.

It’s usually a day of rest ( I did ), reflection about work for me ( I did ) and enjoying BBQ, Burgers, etc. (My neighbor handled this part early this morning and shared generously. God Bless you Mark.)

For the last few years, I’ve had this crazy feeling that this was the last summer I would ever see yet another one has come and is almost gone. I’m still here.

It’s finally beginning to dawn on me that the feeling of doom is really related to the aging process and Carroll’s serious medical conditions that have ruled our lives for at least 8 years. The ability we as a society have to extend life has a “punishing” downside. The mental toll of managing impending death. The further we push the envelope, the more we accept the role of  “playing God” and the benefits and suffering that come with it. Carroll has spent the summer in a hospital or rehabilitation facility with me as a visitor. She’s been alone a lot. The world getting smaller for her.

I have spent the summer at home, working, trying to carry on a normal life and visiting her in the hospital. Doing her laundry, bringing the dog for visits trying to make sure she knows home is only a few minutes away and that it still waits for her. As It Was. My world has gotten smaller too.

I have serious doubts on this Labor Day that Carroll will see another summer and it saddens me beyond words.

It’s the same “I may not see another summer feeling.” As I type, she slips in and out of sleep/dreams because the new antibiotics are so powerful. We will win a round against this one infection. We will lose the battle against pain and suffering.

“My will be done,” believing that we can beat anything, has bought time for Carroll and given her a way to view the world as it really is: When you are out in the world and able to participate in life, it’s fun and loaded with activity. When you are seriously ill and institutionalized you are out of the mainstream and forgotten.

With a few exceptions( you who have been here to visit have been wonderful, Thank You. You made her feel normal and very happy ) she is cutoff, isolated and a victim of great medicine. She is also a victim of my will. Shame on me.

Now that those things are said, I ask that you in your own personal lives always pray daily “Only for the knowledge of God’s Will and the power to carry it out.” If you are not prayer oriented then please carefully meditate on all of your daily life and how your decisions and actions can affect others.  Your ability to do these things can help us have a happier life in all we do.

No one really knows the time or place of our death nor do we know it for another person. We should not even pretend to know it and pay attention to our “gut” feelings. The small little voice inside. It could be your Maker giving you direction and giving someone you love peace.


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