On the Last Day of 2011

Posted: December 31, 2011 in Uncategorized

On the Last Day of 2011.

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Five Ways to Find Your Future

Posted: December 31, 2011 in Uncategorized

Five Ways to Find Your Future.

This is the unofficial end to summer here in the US. Labor Day. Happy Labor Day to you all.

It’s usually a day of rest ( I did ), reflection about work for me ( I did ) and enjoying BBQ, Burgers, etc. (My neighbor handled this part early this morning and shared generously. God Bless you Mark.)

For the last few years, I’ve had this crazy feeling that this was the last summer I would ever see yet another one has come and is almost gone. I’m still here.

It’s finally beginning to dawn on me that the feeling of doom is really related to the aging process and Carroll’s serious medical conditions that have ruled our lives for at least 8 years. The ability we as a society have to extend life has a “punishing” downside. The mental toll of managing impending death. The further we push the envelope, the more we accept the role of  “playing God” and the benefits and suffering that come with it. Carroll has spent the summer in a hospital or rehabilitation facility with me as a visitor. She’s been alone a lot. The world getting smaller for her.

I have spent the summer at home, working, trying to carry on a normal life and visiting her in the hospital. Doing her laundry, bringing the dog for visits trying to make sure she knows home is only a few minutes away and that it still waits for her. As It Was. My world has gotten smaller too.

I have serious doubts on this Labor Day that Carroll will see another summer and it saddens me beyond words.

It’s the same “I may not see another summer feeling.” As I type, she slips in and out of sleep/dreams because the new antibiotics are so powerful. We will win a round against this one infection. We will lose the battle against pain and suffering.

“My will be done,” believing that we can beat anything, has bought time for Carroll and given her a way to view the world as it really is: When you are out in the world and able to participate in life, it’s fun and loaded with activity. When you are seriously ill and institutionalized you are out of the mainstream and forgotten.

With a few exceptions( you who have been here to visit have been wonderful, Thank You. You made her feel normal and very happy ) she is cutoff, isolated and a victim of great medicine. She is also a victim of my will. Shame on me.

Now that those things are said, I ask that you in your own personal lives always pray daily “Only for the knowledge of God’s Will and the power to carry it out.” If you are not prayer oriented then please carefully meditate on all of your daily life and how your decisions and actions can affect others.  Your ability to do these things can help us have a happier life in all we do.

No one really knows the time or place of our death nor do we know it for another person. We should not even pretend to know it and pay attention to our “gut” feelings. The small little voice inside. It could be your Maker giving you direction and giving someone you love peace.

And God Spoke to me through the people and events in my daily life. I was shocked.


What?  I’m not driving?

I’ve been driving for years with a really good record of getting people where they want to go. No bang ups, smash ups or injuries. A RUSH  now and then but safety first and cross the finish line.

I’ve gotten Carroll to where she is now by the hardest and Zac too by the hardest.

I’ve fought for them and fought them to make it happen as you desired.

Relax? I’m not done……I have to save Carroll again and get Zac through his present issue.

“Sit Down and Relax God Said. You’ve done a great job and I have other plans for you now. This story is so long and so loving that we do not have enough space to write it here. It will have to be written in the heavens where there is no lack of space or time. It’s the appropriate place. You carried Carroll with great care, understanding and love through some very difficult things when I needed your hands, determination and heart to do it. Well done.”

“You’re done on that. Just Love her now and let me take care of the rest.” ( a whisper)

“Now about Zachary; he’s my child and I gave him to you for safekeeping and to show him that a man could love him unconditionally and never ever give up on him. Just like I never give up on people. You have done that Paul and continue to do that. He has interests right now that do not coincide with my plan for him. He will get there ultimately but You Paul, Do Not need to be part of this plan of his. You Paul were there for my plan. Yes, I know you thought it was crazy but you had faith, did exactly what I wanted and told him what I wanted him to know. He’s a bit deaf now and he’s going to have to learn it the hard way. Let the ones who have him, have him. I’ll take care of this too.”

Relax on that one too Paul. Job well done. Go have some fun, love Carroll, love Zachary from a distance. I’ll send you a lot more to love too. Look at that dog of yours, you love him and he loves you. Unconditionally.

DOG=Unconditional Love ( You Love Him Like That Too)

GOD=Unconditional Love ( Do You Love Me Like That Paul?)

Please let go Paul and Let Me Handle these things. It’s painful to give them up I know but the pain will be healed and replaced with happiness when I send you on a new adventure.

Can You Do That For Me?

You Know I Love you.

 

 

 

 

 

Only You Should Really!

It’s AMAZING how many people who roll into my life think they can get personal and AMEND or CHANGE everything in MY life to SUIT their situation.

I have many, many times encountered this behavior with the people I truly love and care about. I have loved them so much that I have accepted certain things I would have never done with anyone else and altered the course of my life forever.

I was praying and meditating on this when I went to bed and woke up with the answer.

Love them no matter what! Only amend your life to suit you and a shared goal with them. If they try to amend the amendment, forget it. Walk away in spirit and drop the anger.
Remember to make you happy first so that you can (if you want to) be there in the future for them.

Take control of you own life and destiny that God laid at your feet. Pray for knowledge of His Will and the power to carry it out. Do not let those you love change God’s destiny for you because they answer to a different god.
I love you all for who you are. I am sorry if things work differently for you sometimes with me than you would like. I try harder to make your lives work smoothly for you than anyone else in your lives and I know it. You know it too.
Carroll, my wife is excluded from this writing, UNCONDITIONALLY, and gets everything her way no matter what it costs in time, money, pain or anything else for that matter.
The ring on my finger tells me that I loved enough to do anything for her in the first place and all the way through.

God Bless You All and Peace Be With You
Paul

I wanted to bring you some good news amid all of the negative medical info I’ve fed you on Carroll’s condition.
She was taken to physical therapy today in the San Remo Rehabilitation Hospital where she is staying for 2-3 weeks. They were able to actually stand her up in a frame built specifically for helping people regain their balance and strength.
She stood in it for 10 minutes and then did exercises on a stationary bike and some leg lifts that were done through electric stimulation. While her overall situation is still critical, this was a giant leap forward to how she feels about things.
Love and Peace from us Both,
Paul

So to give you the Quick Update, Carroll has been moved to San Remo Rehabilitation Center for 2-3 weeks of IV therapy in an effort to save her from the infections that threaten her life. You know where to get me if you want to know more. On To Jesus and our Friends.
As many know, Carroll became very ill in 2003 after contracting MRSA during a hip replacement at Presbyterian Plano. She had incredible docs who saved her and made her almost whole again. All of the prayers from everyone known and unknown carried the docs and us through. She has had numerous recurrences with MRSA and the consequences of treating it so aggressively and as we have gone through this over the last 8 years, many of the people who were close to us while she was mobile and active have dropped away. Some have avoided us. Some have come to help and live and run out too. They say you find out who your real friends are during tough times and so we have.
While that trend was happening there was a different trend that I noticed. I’ll call it the “Jesus Trend.” It was the actions of the people who have stuck with us during this long haul that’s not done. Each doing a small part, calls, prayers, cooking, washing dishes (you know who you are and I love you for that),contributing to things to help pay our bills, medical equipment, hugs, understanding and kindness beyond measure plus incredible dedication to what you believe in. Jesus. Carrying out the actions and works that you are called to do on a daily basis. That “Jesus Trend” is the thing that transcends the worldly things we have to put up with and your collective Jesus behavior has made a huge difference for us.
I needed to let all of you “Jesus Freaks” out there know that you stuck with the right guy (you knew that anyway) and have kicked ass for Carroll and Me. We are eternally grateful for your love and support.
Peace and Love from Us Both
Paul